The Geoclense Home Harmonizer promises to neutralise electromagnetic radiation, radio frequencies and cosmic energy – all of which can apparently sap your energy, rob you of sleep and drain your life force.
In our modern world these things are impossible to avoid, but this solid block of plastic promises to bring an end to your suffering.
Do you need it?
The sunlight glints off the hologram in your PowerBalance wristband as you pilot your energy-polariser-equipped Brock Commodore homeward.
You're confident that energy flows of both car and occupant are safely aligned, but you're still troubled.
You wonder to yourself (your family having long since refused to travel with you) how you can rid your home and/or office of the negative effects of electromagnetic radiation while at the same time freeing your wallet of that burdensome $187 for which you have no useful purpose?
Luckily, Orgone Effects Australia has the solution. Introducing: Geoclense.
Geoclense is sold as a 'Geopathic Stress and Electromagnetic Radiation Harmonizer'.
What is the Geoclense?
A solid block of green plastic resin with a plug moulded into the back, Geoclense is sold as a 'Geopathic Stress and Electromagnetic Radiation Harmonizer'.
When plugged into a power point it's claimed to neutralise the effects of a startlingly long list of supposedly harmful radiation and radio and electromagnetic frequencies from sources such as Wi-Fi, mobile phone towers, death imprints and negative psychic impressions, solar flares, your home's smart meter and even your neighbour's television.
Unlike other fake energy harmonisers, which Orgone Effects Australia claim can only create imaginary energy-balancing fields of six metres or less, Geoclense is claimed to harmonise electromagnetic radiation fields and energy imprinting from electrical appliances, wiring and power lines up to 200 metres from your property, and earth magnetic grid lines up to 400 metres away.
Coincidentally this is how wide a berth your friends will give you once you explain the 'benefits' of your expensive new doorstop.
A single Geoclense Home Harmonizer is even powerful enough to harmonise inter-dimensional imprinting radiation, personal beams and a variety of other made up stuff for up to 12 acres, or for an entire 59-storey building. Still not convinced? The proof lies in impressive Kirlian biofeedback photography – a dubious technique which is claimed to capture a subject's mood and wellbeing on film – a claim which various studies have repeatedly debunked.
Digging into the pseudo-science behind Geoclense reveals it's based on the principles of 'orgonomy', which is described as the field of esoteric energy, or hypothetical universal life force. Orgonomy was pioneered by Dr Wilhelm Reich, an Austrian psychoanalyst who died in prison where he was serving time for offenses related to selling quack medical devices. Orgonomic principles also inspired the aforementioned Brock Energy Polariser, a device of magnets and crystals that Australian car-racing champ Peter Brock claimed improved car performance.
How we tested the Geoclense
Excited to rid the CHOICE labs of the imprints from previous occupants' emotional distress and illness, we put Geoclense through its paces in a laboratory setting, using sensitive instruments to test every measurable claim.
- We tested Geoclense's impact on the earth's magnetic field by placing it next to a sensitive magnetic compass and measuring the deviation of the compass needle. The needle was as unmoved as we have been by Geoclense's claims.
- We measured whether Geoclense increased the number of photons in the atmosphere by suspending a light meter over it as we turned it on and off. Even in a darkened room we found the lack of any measurable change was most enlightening.
- We measured its ability to increase the oxygen levels in a room by comparing oxygen levels after using Geoclense for five minutes to a baseline. Oxygen was a constant 20.9% for both results, so this claim turned out to be full of hot air.
- We measured Geoclense's effects on electromagnetic fields from a computer monitor and a power transformer using a multi-field EMF meter. Both electrical appliances generated strong EMF fields, but we found Geoclense's inability to make any difference quite shocking.
- As Geoclense is said to be effective because it generates negative ions, we compared it to a known source of negative ions with an electrometer. Despite strong performance from our commercial negative ion generator, Geoclense generated no ions whatsoever, and the only thing negative was our opinion of it.
- Finally, we even conducted one of Orgone Effects Australia's own recommended tests – placing the palm of your hand on a fridge. With Geoclense, the fridge toucher should experience a calming, energising sensation through the body. Our test subjects, despite extensive experience touching fridges, reported no effect.
However, we did substantiate one of Geoclense's claims – that it uses absolutely no power. Hardly surprising for an inert lump of plastic, but it does beg the question as to why you need to plug it in at all. Perhaps it's to distract you from the large sum of money you just wasted.
Our testing shows Geoclense has all the effectiveness of a tin foil hat, but lacks the hat's potential for use in food preparation. So if you are thinking of blowing $187 on a block of plastic with a plug on it, why not buy a roll of aluminium foil instead? The money you save could buy you a subscription to CHOICE – a resource that's been proven to work.
Stock images: Getty, unless otherwise stated.